Larraine by Azure Ray [2010]

Ants by edIT [2004]

I’m a firm believer that many of the world’s problems stem from the expecting of something. Either from people, from yourself, from the world, from your so called deities, spiritual anomalies, and flying spaghetti monsters. The innate need to expect something will quite frankly do us all in. Though it sucks because if you come to notice this, it only becomes more painful when you realize you’re expecting things and getting the exact results you don’t want.

I don’t know if it’s the human thought process that everything will go your way or just general naivety that keeps one going down such an unrelenting path but, surely it never gets easier and the land mines increase 10 fold with each journey.

That being said, here I sit just realizing that I’m expecting shit again. As always it doesn’t feel WRONG to expect the things that I am but, maybe the circumstances aren’t right? Maybe I haven’t given it enough time, maybe I haven’t been vocal enough to make clear what I expect, maybe I’m expecting too much, maybe I’m not even putting my best foot forward to set things in motion. Who the hell knows? 

This is probably one of my greatest faults. I lack the motivation to do things, to work for things, to accomplish things. On one hand I’m scared. A lot of minuscule things scare me and I let that fear veer its head in everything I do. It isn’t the action within itself that scares me but my psyche convincing me that this just won’t go as planned.

On the other I’m ridiculously lazy. Starting things is always the hardest part for me for a magnitude of reasons. I can’t, I won’t, I don’t want to, I don’t need to, too much effort, for what, what will people think, this won’t work, this can’t work, I’ll look stupid, so on and so forth.

I’m painfully self conscious and don’t like to seem more than a face in the crowd. This world makes way too much noise for me which is why I seek the comfort of my headphones ALWAYS, I’m not fit for society. And the off chance that I am being social, it’s already touch and go. Why? Because I’m a jerk, a dick, and a troll. I get a kick out of it, I really do but not for reasons that most might think. This is completely contradictory to my outward appearance though and it puzzles me. I’m loud, outgoing, don’t afraid of anything, and could give a fuck how you feel or what you think about what I’m doing.

That’s a post for another time, I kinda got off topic. I’m a risk/reward type of person and as simple as that sounds, I have the whimsical beliefs that I can pull off low risk/high reward a vast majority of the time. At the same time I feel like I’m bashing myself.

I put in work and a lot of it. Often times I believe my pessimistic outlook on everything stems from the fact that things I do never seem appreciated. Then again, it’s not even that, they just aren’t as appreciated as I expected them to be (see what I did there?) which falls back on the notion that I expect too much. I don’t do things for the specific reason that I WANT them to be appreciated. I do things because that’s what I want to do but, on the same token you would think sometimes those things are taken into consideration. I don’t want a cake because I’m doing nice things but I also don’t want to feel as if it never happened.

I get a feeling of nirvana from being able to put a smile on someone’s face or making them feel good about themselves. When you fail at being able to do that enough times it really kinda hurts ya’know? Then it puts you in that dark place of why are you even doing this and why should you even try?

Initially this post wasn’t even finished but reading through it again, I don’t even think I hit the main point I was trying to hit. I’m not mad about that though, this is kinda deep on many different levels. Whatever, enjoy a look inside my mind.

From the backlog of unpublished posts, I give you the first to reach the public. Fuck an intro.

Do you ever think, in the present, that in the future you’ll be standing in the same place you were in your past? Well not quite the same place because this time you’re actually watching yourself, but you’re not watching yourself blindly. A third party from that past basically laid out everything that was happening and that was going to happen, but your pride didn’t want to let you believe it. And I guess technically for the sake of argument you aren’t even watching yourself but you’re watching yourself in someone else.

Granted NONE of that makes sense but if you can follow it, how are you supposed to feel about it? To add insult to injury, the third party who told you this is the LAST person you’d want to give credit to just for the simple fact that they are the bane of your existence. So there you are watching the same traits and tendencies that you exhibited and brushed off as words from an irrational party and it all begins to make sense.

So while you sat there caught up in your delusions of grandeur, in reality you were doing nothing but hurting yourself and those around you with your actions. You just “being you” was just a cutesy way of denying the fact that you pushed people away, passed on opportunities for your own selfish reasons, and didn’t act when it was appropriate due to the doubt you had in yourself.

Now question is what do you do? Clean slate so to speak, now YOU are in control and have the power to alter or at least guide yourself through your actions. You can’t talk to yourself, that didn’t work the first time around. Though if you DID try to consult yourself, you’ll end up with the same cookie cutter answers that didn’t lead to solutions before. You could try to set things in motion so you can give yourself clues as to take a second and think about an action before making it. The pessimist in me says that they’ll go overlooked and that leaves you face in the mud putting forth more effort than necessary for it not to be reciprocated.You could sit back and hope things go differently because as your past self in current circumstances with all around different variables, things may change. But yet again you run risk of ending up just like the third party keeping that vicious circle in rotation.

Here’s the twist though, you only have the power to alter one aspect of your past life. You don’t get to choose because the chips were in play long before you realized you were staring yourself in the face. The only reason you even have the luxury of participating in this is because this aspect affects your current self and you don’t want to fall victim to that in which the third party did. Again, because the odds are against you, your past self can’t even recognize themselves as you. Now YOU are the third party, acting upon yourself when that self doesn’t even know that they are you. Well I guess I should say apart of the third party, but the most prominent member as they are a collective of people you wouldn’t think were connected.

Trippy shit right? I’m totally speaking in circles but it all makes sense to me and I figure if it does to anyone then I’m not as crazy as I’m making myself seem or baseless in the scenario I’ve recreated.

Hypothetical thoughts that slowly come to fruition are the scariest kind imaginable because then you think the only reason it’s occurring the way it is, is because you imagined it would.

Whatever, most likely overthinking, throwing myself in shoes of those whose I can’t fit. Fun times indeed.

Wire Forms by First Signs Of Frost [2009]